Step by Step

Which is stronger, my evil desires or God's holy affections? Which is greater, that old man living in me that demands I hate God and His ways, or the Holy Spirit that compels me to think on Jesus and out of love for Him, follow Him. Well c'mon now we both know the answer to those questions, cause there's none stronger and none greater than Christ, so if I choose to not do his will and to please Him than I'm giving the weaker, inferior camp the victory, and that's about as wrong as a three eyed cockatiel.

God has given me all I need to be obedient to His demand that we grow in holiness, and that without exception, but I must do my part I have to kill the deeds of the flesh and pursue holiness at all costs, or it will kill me. This isn't done once and for all or by naming it and claiming it, this is done by diligence, persistence and on a moment to moment basis choosing to obey God and His ways as lined out in His holy word. It ain't easy, but it's essential to pleasing the Lord and growing as we move down the path towards our heavenly home, the New Jerusalem. May God grant us the strength we need in order that we would stand against the wiles of the devil, and the world's morals, and indeed ourselves. Soli Deo Gloria.

Enough

As I wander down this road, this path that God has chosen for me I often rebel and that causes great pain to my God first and then to myself and those around me. There's nothing grand in wishy washiness, nothing at all, it's all about betrayal and forgetting who I am and who I belong to and who I represent here on earth. Over and over for the past fourteen years I've stood firm then fallen, stood firm then fallen. I've had times when I was on fire for the Lord and His mission for my life, then I've had times of deliberate and disgusting acts of sin and rebellion. I've been a wayward goat, wandering around with no direction home, my eyes fixed firmly on the world and myself...no more.

I want to be true to my Savior, I want to stay the path and fulfill the calling He's given me to be an evangelist. I'm sick and tired of bailing on His call on my life, I'm fed up with my double-minded ways and lack of faith. It's time to let God be Lord over my life, it's time for me to surrender and stay surrendered on a minute by minute basis and never let go of my dear Savior's hand. It's time for Jason to die for "He must increase, but I must decrease."


God help me.

The Desert

the desert is so cold
the night so horribly dark
yet His spirit is ever reaching
in my pain my soul ripped apart


as I stare out toward the mountain
far so far away
in my weakness His strength
new dawn new day


the sands they are a shifting
my heart free from the bars
no more cruel bondage
rescued by His scars


the desert is so beautiful
the light overcomes the dark
His gracious love ever increasing
together forever never apart

Second Corinthians Twelve Ten

the waters are rising
as the rain falls on lightning creek
a young boy cries out
in misery a mother weeps


and where is God
how dare He turn away and watch from the land
but oh the mystery of His divine providence
as He holds the drowning boy in His hand


the family is devastated
and away from God they run
not knowing that He understands completely
for He too has lost a Son


and who will go and tell the family
of Jesus who was sent from above
and that God is not uncaring and distant
but compassionate and full of love


the waters are indeed rising
as the rain falls on lightning creek
but do not fear the floods of tribulation
for He is strong when we are weak

This morning while listening to Nicole C. Mullen sing "My Redeemer Lives" the tears of gratitude and joy started rolling down my face; I opened my arms, lifted my hands, looked up and whispered over and over "I give You my life, I give you my life, I give you my life." And I meant it. With everything that's in me I meant it.

I am at a place in my life where it is imperative that I embrace my pain, my suffering. I've been lonely since my divorce, and not living daily with my three children has been incredibly difficult...incredibly difficult. At times I have sought to fill the void with temporary and fleeting gods that lead to sinning against my Lord and Savior and abandoning His call on my life to preach. And that is tragic. Yet God's grace is bigger than my horrible decisions, and He loves me in spite of my betrayal. And that is amazing.

O how I love Jesus,
O how I love Jesus,
O how I love Jesus,
Because He first loved me!

"Follow Me" and "whoever loses his life for my sake" are the two sayings most repeated by Christ in the gospels. Strength and courage used to be my battle cry, but now I am learning more and more that it's love and self-denial that wins the day. 


My goodness it is so incredibly difficult not to worship on the altar of self. We are taught it's all about me, me, me and it takes a tremendous amount of prayer and submission to remain in God's light of truth and holiness. Who do you worship? Don't attempt to answer too quickly, the answer to this question requires meditation and time alone with God, for we have many more idols than we care to admit. 

As for me I am slowly gaining the wisdom that renunciation of self and love for God and my neighbors is key to knocking me off my throne. I have been worshiping at the altar of me for far too long, and now it's time to turn away from self and give preeminent prominence to the one who has saved me from bondage and death, the Lord Jesus Christ. May I from this moment on never fail to worship Him and Him only, and forever glorify His holy name in all that I do.